As I go through life as a journalist, I’m always grateful by good fortune and the ability to ask hard hitting questions. When my editor called me into his office and told me to sit down, I knew I would be getting the interview of a lifetime. I’ve paid my dues for years and finally, an interview that will put me on the map. Dare I say “Pulitzer?” Ok, I won’t get ahead of myself….
I sat in the chair across from my editor’s desk. My leg had a nervous twitch as I leaned forward in an extra effort to hear this important news. After what seemed to be a lifetime, he uttered the following words, “Phil’s penis is out of rehab and has agreed to an interview.” The silence was deafening as all I can think about was my friend who got the opportunity to interview Phil’s hair. His life has never been the same since. Will I have the same good fortune? It was too late to even ponder my fate since I was already picked and on the case. I stood up out of the chair and in a nervous rant, said “Thank you sir! I will not let you down.” As I turned toward the door to leave, I can only hope my editor didn’t see the horror on my face.
The walk to my desk feels like a mile as I finally sit down and begin to prepare for the interview. With the help of google and the enter key, I was inundated with info that seemed endless. How does one’s penis get so much press? Should I ask this question? I’m so confused… Wait…. I’m the journalist and I will as anything I want. I will not be intimidated by a penis, even if it’s Phil’s and named The Hulk.
After a few days of preparation, the time has come to meet up with Phil’s penis. My stomach is filled with feelings of nervousness and excitement only reserved for special occasions. This is the first time I’ve ever felt this was about a penis. Wait! That sounded wrong. You know what I’m talking about. I was told to meet Phil’s Penis at the “Pleasure Chest” adult store where his assistant Han’s will direct me to the interview. My first thought was and adult store? Strange place for a penis fresh out of rehab. Walking into the Pleasure Chest door, I was greeted by a man that eerily resembled Dr. Drew Pinsky. He held out his hand and introduced himself as Hans. A gracious man, he asked me to follow him to the back of the store. At this point, we stopped at the entrance to a long dark hallway and Hans reached out once again, shook my hand and said “this is as far as I go.” I shook nervously as I was instructed to walk down the hall and knock on door number 6. I started a slow cautious walk and turned to say goodbye to Hans, but he had vanished into thin air.
A bead of sweat dripped off of my forehead as I could hear the sounds of bad porn soundtracks and moaning, mixed with the awful smell of cleaning products. What kind of person comes to these places only to feed quarters into a machine and masturbate all over the floors? Talk about Mop and Glow. I continue walking the hall with an occasional slip on the floor. Too nervous to look at what I’ve been stepping in, I finally come to door marked number 6. Feeling nauseous, I knocked once and open the door. I was horrified as a man that resembled Tiger Woods yelled at the top of his lung “GET THE FUCK OUT CADDY.” I quickly closed the door and realized the number had gotten loose changing a 9 to a 6. I then heard a moan from behind the door as the man yelled, here it comes, 4!!!!!
I tried to move fast, only to lose footing once again on the treacherous hallway floor. Three doors away, I come to number 6. My heart is racing with the anticipation of what’s on the other side of this door… So much research, so many stories, so many pages on Google and it all comes to this moment. It takes all the strength I have to reach up and knock on the door. With the most timid knock of my life, I hear “Just a minute” from a female’s voice, followed by a bunch of unorganized noise. Phil’s penis has a girl in there? I thought he just got out of sex rehab? The door is unlocked and begins to open bringing my attention to the squeaky hinges. A shadow begins to come into focus. The light hit’s their face and I can’t believe my eyes…. Holy shit !!! Its……
TO BE CONTINUED:
