When it comes to journalism, there are certain interviews that can be classified as the “Big Get”. Interviewing Presidents, celebrities or breaking a story can be a life changing event in a journalist career. With that said, I have the “Big Get”. An exclusive interview with Phil Varone’s hair. Oh yes, I said it, Phil’s hair!

After numerous attempts for this exclusive access, Phil’s hair has granted me this up close, personal, provocative and quite mysterious interview to clear the air and feed the hunger of the waiting public. Ladies and Gentleman I give you, Phil’s Hair.

I was quite nervous after hearing the news of the interview. Phil’s hair’s assistant called and set up the location that I would meet this legendary do. Ironically, it was at a salon. Was this a cruel joke or a scare tactic? Either way, I was about to find out. I was given the address of a private location and sworn to secrecy. The phone call from Phil’s hair’s assistant was very specific on the consequences of giving out such info. I won’t go into details, but it involved, an industrial size can of Aqua Net, 400 bees, a flame thrower and a large tube of KY. To say I got the message was an understatement.

I entered the salon with caution in tow. All activity stopped as the attention was then focused on me. I could hear a pin drop as I stepped further into the door way and introduced myself to reception. An eerie murmur started among the customers and stylists. The murmur turned to finger pointing as I was lead by a visibly shaken receptionist to the rear of the salon. We walked for what seemed to be an hour and the receptionist turned to me and said “this is as far as I go”. She then raised her shaking arm and pointed to the far end of the salon. I took a deep breath, swallowed real hard and walked toward the black velvet curtains. The only thing that went through my mind was “Dead Man Walking”. Wait a minute, it’s just hair. What am I so worried about? I then remembered the last journalist that interviewed Phil’s hair. He disappeared and the only thing found, was a broken pencil with a smudged finger print on it. With no other leads the case went cold.

As I approached the curtains, Phil’s hair’s assistant walked out to meet me. A beautiful, tall blonde woman with sympathy in her eyes, I extended my hand out to say hello. She ignored my attempt to be gracious and asked if I was ready. I said yes and I was then advised to wipe the sweat off of my forehead before entering. She informed me that Phil’s hair smells fear.

I walked through the curtain and I was in awe. The room was dark with a pin spot directly on Phil’s hair. Phil’s face and body was blacked out with only his hair visible. I proceed with shaking knees as I hear” welcome!” I think to myself, this won’t be too bad and I sit down and start preparing for the interview. I try not to make eye contact and I hear Phil’s hair’s assistant say, “you have five minutes”. I take a big swallow and like a child in trouble, say “ok”. The assistant leaves and I can hear her mumble” poor bastard” under her breath.

What follows is the exact interview as it happens. I have to warn you, this may be shocking. For the record Q means question and PH means Phil’s Hair.

Q: So, I want to thank you for the interview.

PH: you’re welcome

Q: The public thinks you look great and wants to know, what product do you use?

PH: Jonathan Product Dirt. It’s the best and I love how sensitive Jonathan Anton is. He cried a lot during his show and I said. “Since I can’t be his hair, I want to use his hair product.”

Q: Did you try to be his hair?

PH: I did. I went to an audition and then got a call back. I guess I was too good, because he picked that sorry mop he calls hair . Can you F@!&.k’in believe that S!@t!! C@!%K S@!&%ers

Q: Um.. Before Jonathan product, I heard you used Bed Head. Why did you switch?

PH: Who the F!@K do you think you are? Coming in here asking me those bullsh@T questions!!

Phil’s hair calls his assistant in and starts yelling.

PH: He just asked me about F!@Kin bed head!!

ASSISTANT: What the F!@k is wrong with you? You stupid F!@%in idiot. I told you no bed head questions!!! I told you!!!

Q: UM… Sorry

PH: I’ll give you sorry. I make one call, the next thing you’ll see when you open your eyes, is the inside of an ambulance. Got it!!! I said Got It!!! And those Pantene people! They better watch their asses.

Q: I don’t know the Pantene…

PH: NEXT QUESTION!!!!!!!!!

Q:Ok… Um… Tell me about the time you went with the Mohawk.

PH: I was tired of Phil getting girls all the time. With the Mohawk, his percentage went down 50%. I laughed every day while that he complained. What a friggin cry baby..

Phil’s hair then takes a drag from a cigar and barks out at me.

PH: Is that it? I got sh@T to do!! Let’s wrap it up.

Q: But I just got started.

PH: WHAT DID YOU SAY???????

Q: Nothing.

Q: Ok, last question. The readers would love to know what you feel like. Can I touch you and report what it feels like.

PH: What did you say?

Q: Nothing, I…

PH: Did you say, touch me?

Q: No , I didn’t mean…

PH: Frankie!!!! Johnny!!!!! Kelly!!!!!!This f@!Kin guy wants to touch me!! Yeah, him!!
Q: No… I

I woke up a few hours later in the back of an Ambulance. I paramedic said that I will need surgery to have the can of aqua net removed and it will be a few days for all the bee stings to heal. As far as the burnt hair, I hope that grows back. I print this interview as I fear for my life. I hope Phil is safe with such a maniac on his head.

The reason why Phil’s face is blocked out in all the pictures is there’s an ongoing lawsuit between him and his hair. Phil would not give permission for any photo’s with him and his hair together.
A sad ending to a great friendship. I wish them the best of luck. I hope they realize they need each other.