Unfortunately with every one that dies off, there’s another waiting to take over and continue pushing America back hundreds of years. And speaking of pushing America back hundreds of years, I give you the modern day “Beauty Pageant.”

No matter how much I try to wrap my brain around this chauvinistic tradition, I still can’t see one good reason for “whatever this is.” And what is it? P.T Barnum staged the first Modern American Beauty Contest in 1854, only to be shut down by public protest.

How can a bad idea that was protested and stopped 154 years ago still be going on today? The answer: MAN. It’s the only thing left fueling man’s mindless quest for superiority over the female race. The problem with this theory is we all know that women are far more superior and always will be. Say what you want, but if I had breasts and a vagina, I would rule the world. It’s too easy. Men are idiots and I will prove this by putting two words together: STRIP CLUB.

Strip Club: The gathering of pathetic, delusional men that act like boobs and vaginas were just invented and the stripper is the first prototype off of the assembly line. The Stripper only proves my theory of superiority by leaving the club with all the money from these idiots.

When I think about how degrading beauty pageants are to women, I think of Women’s Suffrage and what great ladies like Rosa Parks went through to change simple-minded thinking. How do we wipe out any progress for women’s equality, put them onstage and let a bunch of douche bags judge them. This isn’t the first time humans have been paraded in front of rich, racist, egotistical, narcissists that clearly have no respect or regard for human dignity – I’m just surprised it still continues today.

These days our kids are exposed to so many things via the internet and reality television, it’s hard to truly know what they’re thinking or feeling. With the alarming number of teen suicides blamed on low self esteem and societal alienation, a beauty pageant is the epitome of everything that is wrong in society today. How can you tell your children not to judge one another, when all they see in a pageant is women being judged? Only a “Beauty Pageant” can gather a group of the most beautiful women in the world, pick one winner and send the others away feeling UGLY and INADEQUATE. Give me an “M”, M! give me an “E”, E! , give me an “N”, N! , what’s that spell? MEN! I can’t hear you, MEN! One more time, MEN! YAY!!!!!!!

One question that continues to haunt my brain is, what would make a women want to be exposed to this kind of abuse? To be a contestant is clearly a lifestyle and not something you just decide to do overnight. If you asked every woman what made them enter one of these horrible contests, I guarantee it would lead to an awful childhood story and some despicable excuse for a mother or father forcing them to participate against their will. A Child Pageant is a blatant and offensive form of child abuse on steroids that should have been banned years ago. If you’re a parent that forces (and I use forces because that’s the only word that’s appropriate) your child to do this, SHAME ON YOU and you should be arrested and locked up for child abuse. What’s next, letting your child do Kiddie Porn?

Of course in true Hollywood fashion, someone has to get rich exploiting children and for this – I introduce the greedy, scumbag network executive. I would use words like shocked and offended to describe how I feel of this show’s existence, but that would be scratching the surface of how disgusted I truly am.

How any network executive or show producer can sit back and feel good about profiting from child abuse is beyond me, but then again, it is Hollywood.

There are so many people responsible for such a tasteless show to come to fruition, but without the awful parents of these children it wouldn’t exist. To the parents living vicariously through their children to make up for their own lost hopes and shattered dreams, I have some advice: Try doing something you’ve never done before, BEING A GOOD PARENT. Are these pathetic excuses for parents the only ones we should blame or do we blame everyone involved? I say everyone involved including the narcissist that owns this degrading, exploitive franchise.

Is it false hope to think that modern day public will become smart enough to protest like the brilliant folks of 1854? One would think that we’ve grown up and become a little more sophisticated to see the wrong in this barbaric, offensive MAN behavior, but then again we are dealing with a severely flawed human race and I might be asking for way too much.

So who’s the winner? No one.

Over the last few years, I’ve found myself watching more and more sports on television. It’s no secret that I’m a huge race car fan, but these days my desire to follow a variety of different sports can only be attributed to the fact that I’m getting older in age. I can’t say I have a favorite team; however growing up in New York has grandfathered me in to cheering for any New York team that’s in a major sporting event. One sport that I’ve continued to follow since childhood is the NFL. I would never consider myself a psychotic fan of football, but someone who respects and enjoys the talent and competitiveness of the game. With the Green Bay Packers as World Champions and the official end of the NFL season, I would like to talk about a confusingly awful trend that has taken over the NFL; LONG HAIR.

Some would argue that I’m being hypocritical since I spent a career with long hair, but to my defense, I was a Rock Star. As a Rock Star, I had a license to act and look different than other people and quite frankly it was expected. Call me crazy, but the NFL player has always been synonymous with size, strength, and athletic ability; not with having hair like Farrah Fawcett.

Don’t get me wrong, I would never question one’s individuality when it’s relevant to their life, but I can’t think of one reason why a Football Player would have long hair. I’m sure some ignorant individual will use culture as an excuse, but that just insults my intelligence. You can research history and never find a reason why an NFL Player that is Samoan, Jamaican or any other nationality has a cultural responsibility to look like Diana Ross. Last time I checked, Troy Polamalu is the strong safety for the Steelers, not a Tribal Chief.

The amount of players with long hair is staggering and offensive. As the number of players grows, so grows the length of hair and how ridiculous they look. Speaking of ridiculous, Ladies and Gentleman please put your hands together and welcome, Clay Matthews and A.J. Hawk. I’m sorry; did I miss the memo saying that looking like a Bad Craigslist Transvestite was hip?

JUST IN!!! Nike will be manufacturing a “high heeled” cleat so these two idiots can wear them during the game. Comfort on and off the field, that’s what Nike is about (oh, and Nike is also about being rude, offensive and not helping 30 boys in rehab during Christmas time, but that’s a whole other blog).

Side Note: Dear Tom Brady, please stop… the talent, the huge salary, the trophy wife… Now long hair, really? I have a thought, instead of washing, conditioning and blow drying your ridiculous hair do, spend a little time in the play book. You’re welcome…

For as long as I can remember, NFL players would work out, polish their skills and during playoff time grow a beard to look intimidating and threatening. These days, the players are doing shampoo commercials, insuring their hair and talking about how they condition their pretty locks at press conferences. Talk about a tremendous disappointment to the kids that look up to these players. Do you think future NFL hopefuls want to hear about their favorite player’s shampoo or how they worked to achieve their career goals and dreams? I have great respect for an athlete that has the ability to achieve this kind of success and it’s a shame that something so ridiculous and irrelevant would take the focus away from what’s most important.

With this problem clearly out of control, we should all be glad Vince Lombardi isn’t alive to see this sad decline of the NFL. Coach Lombardi was famously known for hating facial hair and I would love to hear his thoughts on the amount of players with long hair today. Ironically, the trophy brandishing his name was won by the team he had coached for so many years, as well as the team that houses the worst offenders of this long hair epidemic. Now we can only sit back, wait for next season and hope some of these players with long hair realize how stupid they truly look.

Today, the Holiday Season is different in so many ways. A disappointing evolution that has me asking, where did we go wrong? At what point did we go from a society of caring, generous individuals, to a greedy, barbaric race of people whose only agenda is Self Gratification. The frightening reality of this very new, very disconnected generation is that they will eventually destroy this holiday along with everything else they touch. I would be remiss to only blame the flawed human and not put some blame on technology, the stores and the worst offender of all, The Media. It’s within this despicable brew of lies and sensationalism where awful traditions are passed down and praised to the extent of guilt for one’s lack of participation. One of the worst of these offensive traditions is the dreaded Black Friday.

Black Friday is a cruel experiment that turns once normal people into vicious animals consumed with false hopes of saving a buck. A blatant example of Modern Day Terrorism, this awful case study on human behavior preys on ignorance, fear and the will to survive. I can’t think of any other day that begins with an old lady getting trampled by a bunch of heartless assholes trying to save four dollars on a piece of shit Flat Screen TV. When will humans finally evolve and understand the phrase “if it’s too good to be true”… To embrace Black Friday is to embrace the evil machine’s manipulation and control of your every move, by simply focusing on the one bad trait given to all – GREED. What would motivate a person to stand in line for two days at Wal-Mart, in sub zero temperatures, for a less than one percent chance of buying a piece of shit lap top or flat screen TV… I know! I know! GREED!

Side Note: In many of these cases IGNORANCE can be substituted for GREED. Both usually apply.

If you stood in line at Wal-Mart, you’re a moron. To prove my point, please enjoy some bullet points:

1. It’s Wal-Mart
2. It’s usually freezing
3. They only stock one piece of shit Lap top or flat screen , but you’ll line up anyway
4. If you can’t afford it on a normal day, you can’t afford it now
5. Any questions, See 1 thru 4

To the many that stayed home on Black Friday, you’re clearly wise and have common sense. For the idiots that stood in lines and traded frostbite for a 14 cents savings on a video game, hit yourself with a hammer until you pass out because you’re a dummy. As for me, I’ll proudly wear my Mistletoe Belt Buckle and enjoy my holiday no matter what craziness is going on in the world.

And with that, Mr. December says: Merry Christmas to all and to all a good night.

Today’s America is a far cry from the America I remember while growing up. The education system is on a downward spiral and the lack luster attitude for knowledge only solidifies America’s love affair with mediocrity. With the extinction of common sense and the inability to finish a task without hand holding, the Government is salivating with the endless possibilities of fabrication and deception. The bottom line is the Government doesn’t want you to think.

If you had a lucid thought, you would realize that high powered officials say and do whatever they feel necessary to keep American in a constant state of fear. Weapons of mass destruction is a prime example of a gross, despicable lie made up purely for profit without any regard for human life. And speaking of bullshit, let’s talk about that scare tactic called the underwear bomber. Do you actually think that was real? It’s painfully obvious this so called terrorist attempt was the catalyst for the now mandatory full body scanners making news today. Bravo, another elaborate scheme to justify overpriced scanners and continue the highly successful business of profiting on fear. I would say these greedy pathetic excuses for humans will have to explain this to God one day, but we all know God is the biggest scam of them all. If there was a God, I’m sure it would be getting a cut of the profits.

I’ll get down from my soap box now and get to the real threat taking over America’s airports: the non-frequent flyer. I’m so sick and tired of hearing these annoying people complain about the violation of their rights because of body scans, pat downs or profiling. Are you fucking kidding me? Wake up! You’re rights are violated as soon as you’re pushed out of your mother’s vagina and your name is written on a bank bond disguised as a birth certificate. The airports are the least of your problems, but since we’re talking about it, let’s examine the facts. As you drive onto airport grounds, Big Brother is on your every move. This includes but is not limited to; the curb, the check in, the security line, the gate and boarding the plane. Next time you’re on line waiting for your shitty, overpriced Starbucks coffee, look up and smile, you’re on candid camera stupid.

Side Note: Violation of Rights: Forced to pay inflated prices for products because it’s in the airport. Remember the days when you could bring a cup of coffee or bottle of water from the outside? Now you have to pay through the ass because the government says bottled water and coffee isn’t safe unless you buy it from them.

All I ask of the non-frequent flyer is that they stop holding up my life because of stupidity and ignorance. Why someone would even begin to complain about walking through a body scan machine that clearly saves time is beyond me. Do you think I give a shit that some pervert in the back room gets to see my flaccid junk dangling in my jeans for ten seconds? If this procedure will end the annoying and ridiculous practice of throwing out cologne and hair product, I say look all you want. I’ve had to do a lot worse for a lot less, I can assure you of that. And for the record, not one plane has ever been blown up by mixing a bottle of John Paul Gaultier and three ounces of Bed Head Manipulator.

In my opinion, the most frustrating part of flying is the boarding process. A grand waste of time where spectacular acts or ignorance, abuse of power and just made up shit is running wild. Can someone explain the concept of pre-board to me? This makes zero fucking sense. Pre-board is what we do while waiting and listening to the narcissistic asshole with the airline I.D and the P.A volume control live out their Rock Star fantasy by hearing themselves through speakers for what seems to be an endless array of blah blah blah’s and authentic airport gibberish. I can only hope I hear my row number called before they scream goodnight!!

After the ceremonial barking of made up words, phrases and procedures, the actual boarding begins. Calling row numbers and zone numbers seems to be the most efficient method of boarding, although once you add the brainless non-frequent flyer, all bets are off. I dream of the day this asshole finally understands the simple task of putting a carryon in the over head and moving the fuck out of the aisle. You’re on a plane dummy, now get the hell out of the way. In the future, non-frequent flyers should be banned from real airlines and made to fly with their own kind. Flights will be packed with this population of lollygaggers and morons enjoying each other’s company. This includes all vacationing families with the Mother who doesn’t give a shit and the Father who looks like a zombie after chasing their pain in the ass, Mickey Mouse Ear wearing kids all over the airport. A kid wearing Mickey Mouse Ears is a bigger threat on an airplane then a terrorist. I can see the TV commercial now, Brainless Airlines – we guarantee you’ll never be on time.

Let’s face the facts people, traveling will never get better, it will only get worse. The human being is a glorified mouse running through the maze of life controlled every step of the way. You’ll be told when to be happy, told when to be sad, told when to be patriotic and told when to be scared. History dictates an awful trend of Government control that will continue till the end of time. Can you think of anything more offensive and condescending then the government’s color chart of threat and fear? Is this an easy way for ignorant America to understand the levels of threat, or just another calculated plan to guarantee fear in children and the illiterate? No child left behind, right? The Orange threat will continue until all airports install the full body scanners and then miraculously, the threat level will drop and we’ll all be safe again. This will allow the greedy Government assholes to begin endless back patting and credit stealing for making us safer when the whole time – we were never in danger at all. Yay America!

In my own immortal words: Ask not what you can do for your country, but what you can do for yourself.

ADVERTISEMENT

As October approaches, my agitation begins knowing the inevitable is near. No, not Halloween, although to me Halloween is the most ridiculous ”whatever it is” in the history of stupid celebrations. Just an obvious excuse for adults to dress up and get drunk and Bob doesn’t have to explain why he finally feels liberated dressed as a woman. Although fun for the kids, I just don’t feel safe allowing my son to knock on the door of a guy featured on the home page of Meaganslaw.com. Yes, he might have a great moustache and the best candy on the block, but I don’t need my child added to his crawl space.

Side Note: There’s nothing wrong with dressing like a woman. I’ve buried those memories in the “Fun with Cocaine File”, but that’s a whole other blog.

The most annoying part of October is that every “HACK” DJ in the United States is going to call it “Rocktober”. Oh yes, these unoriginal, narcissistic assholes start salivating with the thought of using this stupid play on words weeks and even months before October. What’s the worst part about “Rocktober” other than being the first “Moniker” created by fusing two names or words that clearly don’t go together? I’m glad you asked. “Rocktober” is the direct cause of an awful trend haunting SMART people in our present day. Names like Bennifer, Bradjelina and Spidy are just a few examples of how the entertainment business has drastically declined and clueless and I MEAN CLUELESS “ executives” that have no right making decisions pat themselves on the back for this burst of so called genius. Do you think that gossip show host’s actually like saying those names? They can’t be that stupid and pathetic. Then again, there is Billy Bush and that tool Mario Lopez.

Side Note: Only one person is a bigger tool then Mario Lopez, Dr Rey from Dr 90210. Hey Mario, nice abs! Can you show them one more time? The first 999, 999 wasn’t enough. You and that pathetic excuse for a human “The Situation” should start dating and the media will dub you guys with a cute pet name like “12 pack” or better yet “Marsitch” or “Sitario”. I get teary eyed just thinking about it.

With every problem in the world, there needs to be a solution. I’m sure your next question is, Phil, do you have a solution? My answer to you; Can a Catholic Priest deep throat? So, without further ado, I give you fine people my brilliant idea. All DJ’s and gossip hosts have to be wired and connected to a transformer. With every stupid name thingy that comes out of their mouths i.e. “Rocktober” volts of electricity will shock them to the edge of pissing themselves. This added entertainment value will not only justify listening to their brainless thoughts, but might make them stop and say something …I don’t know… Original? You’re right, probably not, but in the immortal words of my German friend Hans, “Fair Unt Square”.

So here is the burning question. On what day did this “Really Smart” person come up with “Rocktober” and on that day, could their tongue have been cut out and a sword forced into their vocal chords before this moronic thought was heard only to go on and desecrate a once great month?
Come on people!! Our society is so content with mediocre and ignorance, that we allow these people to pollute the world with words like “Rocktober.”

It’s time to protect your brain and form a lucid thought on your own for once. And if you can’t do that, there’s always the tea party movement.

In this blog, I’m going to focus on Movie Night. When I say movie night, I’m referring to two different examples; the Movie Theater and Netflix. Any person who has read my blogs in the past, knows I can find a fault in anything, so with that said let’s start in a subtle way. 

BLOG ARTICLE 1: Under federal and state law, kidnapping is commonly defined as the taking of a person from one place to another against his or her will, or the confining of a person to a controlled space. In the field of law, the word force has two main meanings: unlawful violence and lawful compulsion. “Forced entry” is an expression falling under the category of unlawful violence; “in force” or “forced sale” would be examples of expressions in the category of lawful compulsion. 

I’ll answer the burning question on the reader’s mind, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PHIL? “  I’m talking about the Movie Preview. That’s right, the most aggravating part of a movie next to the other movie goers and the 70 dollar bucket of popcorn. At what point did executives think they could violate the rights of all movie goers by forcing us to watch nonstop previews just because we’re there? 

(Insert Blog Article 1) 

If you really think about it, the movie theater is one of the largest rights violating scams of all time. Constitutional laws are broken as soon as you open the door. Price gouging, kidnapping and forced sales are just the beginning. I’m sorry, I thought having a monopoly on one industry was illegal, but what do I know? The worst part is the creepy employees smiling and being nice as you’re lead like a mouse in a maze through long lines, overpriced food and forced previews. 

Do you think I’m crazy? If so, answer this question for me. Is there any other time in your life that you would spend 20 dollars for popcorn and a soda? That‘s what I thought. However, if you answered yes I would like you to stop reading my blog, hit yourself with a hammer and quickly get sterilized so you’re unable to contribute to the existing moron population.   

The sad truth is these same “Hitler esk” Movie Executives figured out a way to get us at home. Netflix is the newest violator using delivery as the classic smoke screen.  America loves delivery. Most American’s wouldn’t leave the house if they had a choice, so right from the beginning; Netflix is the wolf in sheep’s clothing. We love Netflix, we trust Netflix. How could we not trust a company that cares so much about us?  After all, they deliver and make it so easy for their loyal customers. 

SIDE NOTE: Domino’s is the worst Pizza in the history of Pizza, but we buy it because they deliver.  America is so fucking lazy; cardboard with sauce is an acceptable food as long as we don’t have to leave the house. 

How excited do you get seeing the red Netflix envelope in the mailbox? For me, its extra special since this is the only way I can justify watching all the horrible movies Hollywood has the balls to release. But just when you think it’s safe, the violating begins. How you ask? Hollywood has figured out a way to prohibit skipping over the previews. HOW DARE THEY? IN MY OWN FUCKING HOME! A place once synonymous with safety and peace, Netflix has found a way to violate our trust in the most blatant under minding way.  

(INSERT BLOG ARTICLE 1). 

These days, if I can’t skip though the previews, the DVD gets thrown out. I have no interest in sitting though ten minutes of previews just to watch an awful movie. The other night I made this brutal mistake and attempted to watch “Cop Out “with Bruce Willis and the most un-funny human on the planet Tracy Morgan. As a fan of director Kevin Smith, I was offended that he would even entertain this piece of shit. The reason we get our Assholes Raped at the movie theater is that brainless, unoriginal studio executive’s green light garbage like Cop Out. Consumers do pay for these tremendous failures, but even worse then that, great movie projects are turned down everyday under the dark cloud of these executive decisions. 

In closing: Citizens, take your rights back!!! Remember, you will always have the power by default. The power is in numbers, but these corporate machines pray on your ignorance. If all Americans just said no to movies for a few months, we could bankrupt the industry. Maybe then, they will listen and realize we know what they’re doing to us.

LEGEND…LEG-END(lej’end) n.  A notable person or the stories told about his exploits.

          LEGENDARY… LEG-END-ARY(lej’en  der’e) adj.  Famous or Remarkable 

On June 28^th 2010, the world lost Bill Aucoin.  As a Kiss fan, you knew him as the manager, mastermind and 5^th member.  As a band manager, you were in awe of his ability, talent and success. As a person who just met him, you were left with a lasting impression.  As a friend, you were honored to know and love him.  Although I knew Bill for a very short 74 days, the impact he made on my life is something I will never forget.  With that said, I would like to share my story. 

After many years in the music business, I decided in 2006 to start a new career. Unfortunately, the new career was acting and standup comedy. I know I’m a glutton for punishment, but I can’t imagine doing anything other than entertaining people in some capacity. How hard was it to start a new career? Well let’s just say, I’m glad I didn’t know then, what I know now. So Cliché, yet so appropriate. 

As I approached 2010, I found myself saying the same thing I’ve said every year, “This is my year.”  I also would say, “If someone finally says yes, they will be very happy they did”. Up until the day I met Bill, everyone said no. Oh wait, they actually said “We love Phil, we just don’t know what to do with him”. 

SIDE NOTE: “We love Phil, we just don’t know what to do with him” actually means NO!! It’s what fake, gutless, unoriginal, Hollywood assholes say when they’re trying to be nice. Frankly is offensive. 

On April 16^th 2010, everything changed in one 10 minute call from Bill. I listened to his every word, occasionally pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t in a dream. He had just listened to me on the radio promoting my comedy show and had the most amazing, uplifting, positive things to say. I hung up the phone and felt like screaming. I had new found confidence and drive, something I’d been lacking from many years of disappointment. 

My next encounter with Bill was in NY. I finally met him in person and we talked for an hour about me.  I must have looked like a star struck fan as this GIANT started mapping out my career plan. He told me things that had never crossed my mind. I was in school for an hour and the master was teaching the student.  At one point, I think I heard the Rocky theme in my subconscious as Bill continued to talk about the future. Like that, the meeting was over and after a warm embrace, Bill left. My head was spinning as thoughts of success finally flooded my brain after 4 long years. My excitement was quickly brought to sadness as I learned of Bill’s battle with cancer. In my mind he was superman and if anyone could beat it, Bill could. 

On June 28^th 2010, I received the call I did not want to hear. At the very young age of 66, Bill lost his battle with cancer. I was honored to be invited to his memorial and hear wonderful stories from his friends and family. It was apparent that Bill was, and always will be respected, adored, loved and truly missed by so many people. I only wish I had more time to get to know this great man. 

Bill, I will cherish the 74 days you were in my life. I was going to say, I wish you could be here to see my success, but I have a feeling you can see it clearly.

INT – ANY NEWS ROOM- ANY MORNING

A tragic event has taken place. Every news channel scrambles to begin coverage on the story. The Anchors are on edge as they’re flooded with information at an alarming rate. Some information is accurate, but most of it is speculation. The segment producer alerts the Anchor’s as they go live to the scene and begin an interview with…Let’s call them, Expert A.

                                                            ANCHOR

                                    Joining us from the scene is Expert A. Expert A,

                                    can you tell us what you see? 

                                                                                                                                    CUT TO:

EXT – TRAGIC SCENE – MOMENTS LATER

Expert A stands on the site of the event and begins the interview. 

                                                            EXPERT A

                                    First I would like to say, “My Thoughts and Prayers

                                    Go out to_________”. 

 At what point did the human race become so detached they feel a need to use such an uncaring, cold, offensive, matter of fact phrase like “My thoughts and prayers go out to________”.  Anyone that uses this statement probably just finished reading the book “How to sound sympathetic on television, when you’re unoriginal and don’t give a fuck”. Fill in the blank with anything you want since its all politically correct bullshit. Try all the clichés like “The Family” or “Katrina Victims” or “The Miners” or my favorite “Triscuits”. Why not? You probably know more about Triscuits, then the people getting all these meaningless thoughts and prayers. 

SIDENOTE 1:   If you want to see the Master of fake sympathy, just watch Ann Curry interview any victims of a tragedy. It’ll make your skin crawl.  iphone created the Ann Curry app for fake, glib assholes. Just push it and forget about it. 

SIDE NOTE 2: Triscuits are delicious. 

My thoughts and prayers is so flawed, people don’t even realize how unsympathetic they truly sound. I’m sure the first person that said this, had no idea that it would turn into the most over used, unfeeling phrase since Happy Birthday. At least with Happy Birthday, we kind of mean it.   Now, let’s take a minute and break it down:  

MY THOUGHTS- Any moron that uses this statement on television because they feel a need to say something nice, has not a thought in their empty skull. Do us all a favor and say nothing. I promise you’ll be respected for silence over stupidity. 

MY PRAYERS- This one makes me giggle a bit. Did you say prayers? What about the people who don’t pray? You know, one’s like me that believe in science and common sense, not fiction.

When my Mother passed away, the last thing I wanted to hear out of someone’s mouth is that I’m in their prayers. To me that’s offensive. I say, pray for originality and stay the fuck out of everyone’s business.  Oh I get it; you’re trying to stock up on HEAVEN tokens. Well, many of us are not interested in being part of a HALO project. 

The human being can be a greedy, uncaring, flawed creature with a very, very, short attention span. Hey Phil, how can you make a statement like that? You better have some examples!!! Well Phil, funny you should say that, because I do have examples. Let’s use:  911, Haiti and COMING SOON, the oversaturated (no pun intended) Gulf Oil Spill. 

911 - I’m curious why no one sings “Proud to be an American” anymore. They sang the shit out of that song right after 911 and now nothing. OMG , being patriotic is so 2001, whatevs. 

HAITI – aka (America’s Money Shot) America was all up in Haiti’s grill after the earthquake. I think every asshole on the planet was saying “My thoughts and prayers go out to Haiti”. I haven’t seen a single news story since that bullshit telethon George Clooney put together.

Definition of TELETHON:  An outlet for Americans to donate a dollar, feel like they give a shit for a second and tell all their friends how much they helped. 

SIDE NOTE 3: Hey Celebrities… America has a shit load of homeless that can sure use some Telethon money.  Oh wait, the photo op isn’t big enough. Oops, my bad.   

GULF OIL SPILL - Now America is dealing with the Gulf Oil Spill. We’ll band wagon together and act like we give a shit by boycotting BP for a very short time.  Once we get bored, we’ll go right back to the way things used to be. You have to agree, it would be so inconvenient to drive to another gas station that’s further from our homes.  The Band Wagon American won’t waste another second of their time if they don’t have too. 

SIDE NOTE 4:  Just a reminder, 11 people died. You wouldn’t know this since the news pretty much forgot about them. 

IN CLOSING: America is like that asshole record company executive that does nothing but show up for the photo op and takes credit for everything they never did.

Shame on all of you mindless, unoriginal  bandwagoners(that’s right, I made up a word). I can only hope you become smart one day and form a lucid thought on your own. Until Then: 

“My thoughts and prayers go out to you”.                                                                        

 I’m just sayin.

Now that the definition is clear, any use of Rock Star shall be banned unless pertaining to the true meaning. Let me guess, you’re still not getting it? Well, let me be perfectly clear. If you’re watching football and the quarterback throws an amazing pass, he’s not a Rock Star of football; he’s an over paid quarterback doing his fucking job. When fans come to one of my concerts, they don’t yell out, “My god, Phil is a quarterback of drumming”. Some people would argue that using the term Rock Star to describe success outside of the music business is a compliment to real Rock Stars. I say Fuck You!

During its early incarnation that put it on the inevitable path to over use, Rock Star was used to describe very famous and successful people. These days, it seems anyone can be a Rock Star. Hey look how good that guy cleans the pool; he’s a “Rock Star” of the chlorinated H2O. Wow, look at the gardener go, he’s the “Rock Star” of weed management. Holy shit that guy can pump gas; he’s a “Rock Star” of Petroleum Distribution.

NOTABLES:
Emeril Lagasse – Not a Rock Star of Cooking…He’s a Chef
Steven Tyler- Rock Star
Dane Cook – Not a Rock Star of Comedy… He’s a Comedian
Tommy Lee- Rock Star
Tiger Woods- Not a Rock Star of Golf… He’s a Professional Golfer
-Special consideration: Tiger Woods is a Rock Star of cheating-

I can only hope that this horrible epidemic slowly starts to dissipate and the untarnished world of being a Rock Star is restored to its true glory. Being able to be famous, fucked up and envied is an honor and a privilege that needs to be protected and respected by the elite few that can truly be called “Rock Star”.

“I’m JUST sayin”…

I sat in the chair across from my editor’s desk. My leg had a nervous twitch as I leaned forward in an extra effort to hear this important news. After what seemed to be a lifetime, he uttered the following words, “Phil’s penis is out of rehab and has agreed to an interview.” The silence was deafening as all I can think about was my friend who got the opportunity to interview Phil’s hair. His life has never been the same since. Will I have the same good fortune? It was too late to even ponder my fate since I was already picked and on the case. I stood up out of the chair and in a nervous rant, said “Thank you sir! I will not let you down.” As I turned toward the door to leave, I can only hope my editor didn’t see the horror on my face.

The walk to my desk feels like a mile as I finally sit down and begin to prepare for the interview. With the help of google and the enter key, I was inundated with info that seemed endless. How does one’s penis get so much press? Should I ask this question? I’m so confused… Wait…. I’m the journalist and I will as anything I want. I will not be intimidated by a penis, even if it’s Phil’s and named The Hulk.

After a few days of preparation, the time has come to meet up with Phil’s penis. My stomach is filled with feelings of nervousness and excitement only reserved for special occasions. This is the first time I’ve ever felt this was about a penis. Wait! That sounded wrong. You know what I’m talking about. I was told to meet Phil’s Penis at the “Pleasure Chest” adult store where his assistant Han’s will direct me to the interview. My first thought was and adult store? Strange place for a penis fresh out of rehab. Walking into the Pleasure Chest door, I was greeted by a man that eerily resembled Dr. Drew Pinsky. He held out his hand and introduced himself as Hans. A gracious man, he asked me to follow him to the back of the store. At this point, we stopped at the entrance to a long dark hallway and Hans reached out once again, shook my hand and said “this is as far as I go.” I shook nervously as I was instructed to walk down the hall and knock on door number 6. I started a slow cautious walk and turned to say goodbye to Hans, but he had vanished into thin air.

A bead of sweat dripped off of my forehead as I could hear the sounds of bad porn soundtracks and moaning, mixed with the awful smell of cleaning products. What kind of person comes to these places only to feed quarters into a machine and masturbate all over the floors? Talk about Mop and Glow. I continue walking the hall with an occasional slip on the floor. Too nervous to look at what I’ve been stepping in, I finally come to door marked number 6. Feeling nauseous, I knocked once and open the door. I was horrified as a man that resembled Tiger Woods yelled at the top of his lung “GET THE FUCK OUT CADDY.” I quickly closed the door and realized the number had gotten loose changing a 9 to a 6. I then heard a moan from behind the door as the man yelled, here it comes, 4!!!!!

I tried to move fast, only to lose footing once again on the treacherous hallway floor. Three doors away, I come to number 6. My heart is racing with the anticipation of what’s on the other side of this door… So much research, so many stories, so many pages on Google and it all comes to this moment. It takes all the strength I have to reach up and knock on the door. With the most timid knock of my life, I hear “Just a minute” from a female’s voice, followed by a bunch of unorganized noise. Phil’s penis has a girl in there? I thought he just got out of sex rehab? The door is unlocked and begins to open bringing my attention to the squeaky hinges. A shadow begins to come into focus. The light hit’s their face and I can’t believe my eyes…. Holy shit !!! Its……

TO BE CONTINUED: