LEGEND…LEG-END(lej’end) n.  A notable person or the stories told about his exploits.

          LEGENDARY… LEG-END-ARY(lej’en  der’e) adj.  Famous or Remarkable 

On June 28^th 2010, the world lost Bill Aucoin.  As a Kiss fan, you knew him as the manager, mastermind and 5^th member.  As a band manager, you were in awe of his ability, talent and success. As a person who just met him, you were left with a lasting impression.  As a friend, you were honored to know and love him.  Although I knew Bill for a very short 74 days, the impact he made on my life is something I will never forget.  With that said, I would like to share my story. 

After many years in the music business, I decided in 2006 to start a new career. Unfortunately, the new career was acting and standup comedy. I know I’m a glutton for punishment, but I can’t imagine doing anything other than entertaining people in some capacity. How hard was it to start a new career? Well let’s just say, I’m glad I didn’t know then, what I know now. So Cliché, yet so appropriate. 

As I approached 2010, I found myself saying the same thing I’ve said every year, “This is my year.”  I also would say, “If someone finally says yes, they will be very happy they did”. Up until the day I met Bill, everyone said no. Oh wait, they actually said “We love Phil, we just don’t know what to do with him”. 

SIDE NOTE: “We love Phil, we just don’t know what to do with him” actually means NO!! It’s what fake, gutless, unoriginal, Hollywood assholes say when they’re trying to be nice. Frankly is offensive. 

On April 16^th 2010, everything changed in one 10 minute call from Bill. I listened to his every word, occasionally pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t in a dream. He had just listened to me on the radio promoting my comedy show and had the most amazing, uplifting, positive things to say. I hung up the phone and felt like screaming. I had new found confidence and drive, something I’d been lacking from many years of disappointment. 

My next encounter with Bill was in NY. I finally met him in person and we talked for an hour about me.  I must have looked like a star struck fan as this GIANT started mapping out my career plan. He told me things that had never crossed my mind. I was in school for an hour and the master was teaching the student.  At one point, I think I heard the Rocky theme in my subconscious as Bill continued to talk about the future. Like that, the meeting was over and after a warm embrace, Bill left. My head was spinning as thoughts of success finally flooded my brain after 4 long years. My excitement was quickly brought to sadness as I learned of Bill’s battle with cancer. In my mind he was superman and if anyone could beat it, Bill could. 

On June 28^th 2010, I received the call I did not want to hear. At the very young age of 66, Bill lost his battle with cancer. I was honored to be invited to his memorial and hear wonderful stories from his friends and family. It was apparent that Bill was, and always will be respected, adored, loved and truly missed by so many people. I only wish I had more time to get to know this great man. 

Bill, I will cherish the 74 days you were in my life. I was going to say, I wish you could be here to see my success, but I have a feeling you can see it clearly.

INT – ANY NEWS ROOM- ANY MORNING

A tragic event has taken place. Every news channel scrambles to begin coverage on the story. The Anchors are on edge as they’re flooded with information at an alarming rate. Some information is accurate, but most of it is speculation. The segment producer alerts the Anchor’s as they go live to the scene and begin an interview with…Let’s call them, Expert A.

                                                            ANCHOR

                                    Joining us from the scene is Expert A. Expert A,

                                    can you tell us what you see? 

                                                                                                                                    CUT TO:

EXT – TRAGIC SCENE – MOMENTS LATER

Expert A stands on the site of the event and begins the interview. 

                                                            EXPERT A

                                    First I would like to say, “My Thoughts and Prayers

                                    Go out to_________”. 

 At what point did the human race become so detached they feel a need to use such an uncaring, cold, offensive, matter of fact phrase like “My thoughts and prayers go out to________”.  Anyone that uses this statement probably just finished reading the book “How to sound sympathetic on television, when you’re unoriginal and don’t give a fuck”. Fill in the blank with anything you want since its all politically correct bullshit. Try all the clichés like “The Family” or “Katrina Victims” or “The Miners” or my favorite “Triscuits”. Why not? You probably know more about Triscuits, then the people getting all these meaningless thoughts and prayers. 

SIDENOTE 1:   If you want to see the Master of fake sympathy, just watch Ann Curry interview any victims of a tragedy. It’ll make your skin crawl.  iphone created the Ann Curry app for fake, glib assholes. Just push it and forget about it. 

SIDE NOTE 2: Triscuits are delicious. 

My thoughts and prayers is so flawed, people don’t even realize how unsympathetic they truly sound. I’m sure the first person that said this, had no idea that it would turn into the most over used, unfeeling phrase since Happy Birthday. At least with Happy Birthday, we kind of mean it.   Now, let’s take a minute and break it down:  

MY THOUGHTS- Any moron that uses this statement on television because they feel a need to say something nice, has not a thought in their empty skull. Do us all a favor and say nothing. I promise you’ll be respected for silence over stupidity. 

MY PRAYERS- This one makes me giggle a bit. Did you say prayers? What about the people who don’t pray? You know, one’s like me that believe in science and common sense, not fiction.

When my Mother passed away, the last thing I wanted to hear out of someone’s mouth is that I’m in their prayers. To me that’s offensive. I say, pray for originality and stay the fuck out of everyone’s business.  Oh I get it; you’re trying to stock up on HEAVEN tokens. Well, many of us are not interested in being part of a HALO project. 

The human being can be a greedy, uncaring, flawed creature with a very, very, short attention span. Hey Phil, how can you make a statement like that? You better have some examples!!! Well Phil, funny you should say that, because I do have examples. Let’s use:  911, Haiti and COMING SOON, the oversaturated (no pun intended) Gulf Oil Spill. 

911 - I’m curious why no one sings “Proud to be an American” anymore. They sang the shit out of that song right after 911 and now nothing. OMG , being patriotic is so 2001, whatevs. 

HAITI – aka (America’s Money Shot) America was all up in Haiti’s grill after the earthquake. I think every asshole on the planet was saying “My thoughts and prayers go out to Haiti”. I haven’t seen a single news story since that bullshit telethon George Clooney put together.

Definition of TELETHON:  An outlet for Americans to donate a dollar, feel like they give a shit for a second and tell all their friends how much they helped. 

SIDE NOTE 3: Hey Celebrities… America has a shit load of homeless that can sure use some Telethon money.  Oh wait, the photo op isn’t big enough. Oops, my bad.   

GULF OIL SPILL - Now America is dealing with the Gulf Oil Spill. We’ll band wagon together and act like we give a shit by boycotting BP for a very short time.  Once we get bored, we’ll go right back to the way things used to be. You have to agree, it would be so inconvenient to drive to another gas station that’s further from our homes.  The Band Wagon American won’t waste another second of their time if they don’t have too. 

SIDE NOTE 4:  Just a reminder, 11 people died. You wouldn’t know this since the news pretty much forgot about them. 

IN CLOSING: America is like that asshole record company executive that does nothing but show up for the photo op and takes credit for everything they never did.

Shame on all of you mindless, unoriginal  bandwagoners(that’s right, I made up a word). I can only hope you become smart one day and form a lucid thought on your own. Until Then: 

“My thoughts and prayers go out to you”.                                                                        

 I’m just sayin.

Now that the definition is clear, any use of Rock Star shall be banned unless pertaining to the true meaning. Let me guess, you’re still not getting it? Well, let me be perfectly clear. If you’re watching football and the quarterback throws an amazing pass, he’s not a Rock Star of football; he’s an over paid quarterback doing his fucking job. When fans come to one of my concerts, they don’t yell out, “My god, Phil is a quarterback of drumming”. Some people would argue that using the term Rock Star to describe success outside of the music business is a compliment to real Rock Stars. I say Fuck You!

During its early incarnation that put it on the inevitable path to over use, Rock Star was used to describe very famous and successful people. These days, it seems anyone can be a Rock Star. Hey look how good that guy cleans the pool; he’s a “Rock Star” of the chlorinated H2O. Wow, look at the gardener go, he’s the “Rock Star” of weed management. Holy shit that guy can pump gas; he’s a “Rock Star” of Petroleum Distribution.

NOTABLES:
Emeril Lagasse – Not a Rock Star of Cooking…He’s a Chef
Steven Tyler- Rock Star
Dane Cook – Not a Rock Star of Comedy… He’s a Comedian
Tommy Lee- Rock Star
Tiger Woods- Not a Rock Star of Golf… He’s a Professional Golfer
-Special consideration: Tiger Woods is a Rock Star of cheating-

I can only hope that this horrible epidemic slowly starts to dissipate and the untarnished world of being a Rock Star is restored to its true glory. Being able to be famous, fucked up and envied is an honor and a privilege that needs to be protected and respected by the elite few that can truly be called “Rock Star”.

“I’m JUST sayin”…

I sat in the chair across from my editor’s desk. My leg had a nervous twitch as I leaned forward in an extra effort to hear this important news. After what seemed to be a lifetime, he uttered the following words, “Phil’s penis is out of rehab and has agreed to an interview.” The silence was deafening as all I can think about was my friend who got the opportunity to interview Phil’s hair. His life has never been the same since. Will I have the same good fortune? It was too late to even ponder my fate since I was already picked and on the case. I stood up out of the chair and in a nervous rant, said “Thank you sir! I will not let you down.” As I turned toward the door to leave, I can only hope my editor didn’t see the horror on my face.

The walk to my desk feels like a mile as I finally sit down and begin to prepare for the interview. With the help of google and the enter key, I was inundated with info that seemed endless. How does one’s penis get so much press? Should I ask this question? I’m so confused… Wait…. I’m the journalist and I will as anything I want. I will not be intimidated by a penis, even if it’s Phil’s and named The Hulk.

After a few days of preparation, the time has come to meet up with Phil’s penis. My stomach is filled with feelings of nervousness and excitement only reserved for special occasions. This is the first time I’ve ever felt this was about a penis. Wait! That sounded wrong. You know what I’m talking about. I was told to meet Phil’s Penis at the “Pleasure Chest” adult store where his assistant Han’s will direct me to the interview. My first thought was and adult store? Strange place for a penis fresh out of rehab. Walking into the Pleasure Chest door, I was greeted by a man that eerily resembled Dr. Drew Pinsky. He held out his hand and introduced himself as Hans. A gracious man, he asked me to follow him to the back of the store. At this point, we stopped at the entrance to a long dark hallway and Hans reached out once again, shook my hand and said “this is as far as I go.” I shook nervously as I was instructed to walk down the hall and knock on door number 6. I started a slow cautious walk and turned to say goodbye to Hans, but he had vanished into thin air.

A bead of sweat dripped off of my forehead as I could hear the sounds of bad porn soundtracks and moaning, mixed with the awful smell of cleaning products. What kind of person comes to these places only to feed quarters into a machine and masturbate all over the floors? Talk about Mop and Glow. I continue walking the hall with an occasional slip on the floor. Too nervous to look at what I’ve been stepping in, I finally come to door marked number 6. Feeling nauseous, I knocked once and open the door. I was horrified as a man that resembled Tiger Woods yelled at the top of his lung “GET THE FUCK OUT CADDY.” I quickly closed the door and realized the number had gotten loose changing a 9 to a 6. I then heard a moan from behind the door as the man yelled, here it comes, 4!!!!!

I tried to move fast, only to lose footing once again on the treacherous hallway floor. Three doors away, I come to number 6. My heart is racing with the anticipation of what’s on the other side of this door… So much research, so many stories, so many pages on Google and it all comes to this moment. It takes all the strength I have to reach up and knock on the door. With the most timid knock of my life, I hear “Just a minute” from a female’s voice, followed by a bunch of unorganized noise. Phil’s penis has a girl in there? I thought he just got out of sex rehab? The door is unlocked and begins to open bringing my attention to the squeaky hinges. A shadow begins to come into focus. The light hit’s their face and I can’t believe my eyes…. Holy shit !!! Its……

TO BE CONTINUED:

After numerous attempts for this exclusive access, Phil’s hair has granted me this up close, personal, provocative and quite mysterious interview to clear the air and feed the hunger of the waiting public. Ladies and Gentleman I give you, Phil’s Hair.

I was quite nervous after hearing the news of the interview. Phil’s hair’s assistant called and set up the location that I would meet this legendary do. Ironically, it was at a salon. Was this a cruel joke or a scare tactic? Either way, I was about to find out. I was given the address of a private location and sworn to secrecy. The phone call from Phil’s hair’s assistant was very specific on the consequences of giving out such info. I won’t go into details, but it involved, an industrial size can of Aqua Net, 400 bees, a flame thrower and a large tube of KY. To say I got the message was an understatement.

I entered the salon with caution in tow. All activity stopped as the attention was then focused on me. I could hear a pin drop as I stepped further into the door way and introduced myself to reception. An eerie murmur started among the customers and stylists. The murmur turned to finger pointing as I was lead by a visibly shaken receptionist to the rear of the salon. We walked for what seemed to be an hour and the receptionist turned to me and said “this is as far as I go”. She then raised her shaking arm and pointed to the far end of the salon. I took a deep breath, swallowed real hard and walked toward the black velvet curtains. The only thing that went through my mind was “Dead Man Walking”. Wait a minute, it’s just hair. What am I so worried about? I then remembered the last journalist that interviewed Phil’s hair. He disappeared and the only thing found, was a broken pencil with a smudged finger print on it. With no other leads the case went cold.

As I approached the curtains, Phil’s hair’s assistant walked out to meet me. A beautiful, tall blonde woman with sympathy in her eyes, I extended my hand out to say hello. She ignored my attempt to be gracious and asked if I was ready. I said yes and I was then advised to wipe the sweat off of my forehead before entering. She informed me that Phil’s hair smells fear.

I walked through the curtain and I was in awe. The room was dark with a pin spot directly on Phil’s hair. Phil’s face and body was blacked out with only his hair visible. I proceed with shaking knees as I hear” welcome!” I think to myself, this won’t be too bad and I sit down and start preparing for the interview. I try not to make eye contact and I hear Phil’s hair’s assistant say, “you have five minutes”. I take a big swallow and like a child in trouble, say “ok”. The assistant leaves and I can hear her mumble” poor bastard” under her breath.

What follows is the exact interview as it happens. I have to warn you, this may be shocking. For the record Q means question and PH means Phil’s Hair.

Q: So, I want to thank you for the interview.

PH: you’re welcome

Q: The public thinks you look great and wants to know, what product do you use?

PH: Jonathan Product Dirt. It’s the best and I love how sensitive Jonathan Anton is. He cried a lot during his show and I said. “Since I can’t be his hair, I want to use his hair product.”

Q: Did you try to be his hair?

PH: I did. I went to an audition and then got a call back. I guess I was too good, because he picked that sorry mop he calls hair . Can you F@!&.k’in believe that S!@t!! C@!%K S@!&%ers

Q: Um.. Before Jonathan product, I heard you used Bed Head. Why did you switch?

PH: Who the F!@K do you think you are? Coming in here asking me those bullsh@T questions!!

Phil’s hair calls his assistant in and starts yelling.

PH: He just asked me about F!@Kin bed head!!

ASSISTANT: What the F!@k is wrong with you? You stupid F!@%in idiot. I told you no bed head questions!!! I told you!!!

Q: UM… Sorry

PH: I’ll give you sorry. I make one call, the next thing you’ll see when you open your eyes, is the inside of an ambulance. Got it!!! I said Got It!!! And those Pantene people! They better watch their asses.

Q: I don’t know the Pantene…

PH: NEXT QUESTION!!!!!!!!!

Q:Ok… Um… Tell me about the time you went with the Mohawk.

PH: I was tired of Phil getting girls all the time. With the Mohawk, his percentage went down 50%. I laughed every day while that he complained. What a friggin cry baby..

Phil’s hair then takes a drag from a cigar and barks out at me.

PH: Is that it? I got sh@T to do!! Let’s wrap it up.

Q: But I just got started.

PH: WHAT DID YOU SAY???????

Q: Nothing.

Q: Ok, last question. The readers would love to know what you feel like. Can I touch you and report what it feels like.

PH: What did you say?

Q: Nothing, I…

PH: Did you say, touch me?

Q: No , I didn’t mean…

PH: Frankie!!!! Johnny!!!!! Kelly!!!!!!This f@!Kin guy wants to touch me!! Yeah, him!!
Q: No… I

I woke up a few hours later in the back of an Ambulance. I paramedic said that I will need surgery to have the can of aqua net removed and it will be a few days for all the bee stings to heal. As far as the burnt hair, I hope that grows back. I print this interview as I fear for my life. I hope Phil is safe with such a maniac on his head.

The reason why Phil’s face is blocked out in all the pictures is there’s an ongoing lawsuit between him and his hair. Phil would not give permission for any photo’s with him and his hair together.
A sad ending to a great friendship. I wish them the best of luck. I hope they realize they need each other.