Now Boarding: All Rows,All Morons, All Fears

As a child I would sit in my bedroom, play drums and day dream of traveling all over the world to entertain the fans. For me, this day dream came to fruition after the release of my first record. Seemingly overnight, I was out on the road playing concerts and traveling by tour bus or airplane. One year, the band flew over 120,000 miles and we pretty much knew every employee of Continental Airlines. This was way before 9/11 and the preconceived fears programmed into travelers today. I continue to travel quite frequently and I’m finding the process to be more and more frustrating with every trip I take.

Today’s America is a far cry from the America I remember while growing up. The education system is on a downward spiral and the lack luster attitude for knowledge only solidifies America’s love affair with mediocrity. With the extinction of common sense and the inability to finish a task without hand holding, the Government is salivating with the endless possibilities of fabrication and deception. The bottom line is the Government doesn’t want you to think.

If you had a lucid thought, you would realize that high powered officials say and do whatever they feel necessary to keep American in a constant state of fear. Weapons of mass destruction is a prime example of a gross, despicable lie made up purely for profit without any regard for human life. And speaking of bullshit, let’s talk about that scare tactic called the underwear bomber. Do you actually think that was real? It’s painfully obvious this so called terrorist attempt was the catalyst for the now mandatory full body scanners making news today. Bravo, another elaborate scheme to justify overpriced scanners and continue the highly successful business of profiting on fear. I would say these greedy pathetic excuses for humans will have to explain this to God one day, but we all know God is the biggest scam of them all. If there was a God, I’m sure it would be getting a cut of the profits.

I’ll get down from my soap box now and get to the real threat taking over America’s airports: the non-frequent flyer. I’m so sick and tired of hearing these annoying people complain about the violation of their rights because of body scans, pat downs or profiling. Are you fucking kidding me? Wake up! You’re rights are violated as soon as you’re pushed out of your mother’s vagina and your name is written on a bank bond disguised as a birth certificate. The airports are the least of your problems, but since we’re talking about it, let’s examine the facts. As you drive onto airport grounds, Big Brother is on your every move. This includes but is not limited to; the curb, the check in, the security line, the gate and boarding the plane. Next time you’re on line waiting for your shitty, overpriced Starbucks coffee, look up and smile, you’re on candid camera stupid.

Side Note: Violation of Rights: Forced to pay inflated prices for products because it’s in the airport. Remember the days when you could bring a cup of coffee or bottle of water from the outside? Now you have to pay through the ass because the government says bottled water and coffee isn’t safe unless you buy it from them.

All I ask of the non-frequent flyer is that they stop holding up my life because of stupidity and ignorance. Why someone would even begin to complain about walking through a body scan machine that clearly saves time is beyond me. Do you think I give a shit that some pervert in the back room gets to see my flaccid junk dangling in my jeans for ten seconds? If this procedure will end the annoying and ridiculous practice of throwing out cologne and hair product, I say look all you want. I’ve had to do a lot worse for a lot less, I can assure you of that. And for the record, not one plane has ever been blown up by mixing a bottle of John Paul Gaultier and three ounces of Bed Head Manipulator.

In my opinion, the most frustrating part of flying is the boarding process. A grand waste of time where spectacular acts or ignorance, abuse of power and just made up shit is running wild. Can someone explain the concept of pre-board to me? This makes zero fucking sense. Pre-board is what we do while waiting and listening to the narcissistic asshole with the airline I.D and the P.A volume control live out their Rock Star fantasy by hearing themselves through speakers for what seems to be an endless array of blah blah blah’s and authentic airport gibberish. I can only hope I hear my row number called before they scream goodnight!!

After the ceremonial barking of made up words, phrases and procedures, the actual boarding begins. Calling row numbers and zone numbers seems to be the most efficient method of boarding, although once you add the brainless non-frequent flyer, all bets are off. I dream of the day this asshole finally understands the simple task of putting a carryon in the over head and moving the fuck out of the aisle. You’re on a plane dummy, now get the hell out of the way. In the future, non-frequent flyers should be banned from real airlines and made to fly with their own kind. Flights will be packed with this population of lollygaggers and morons enjoying each other’s company. This includes all vacationing families with the Mother who doesn’t give a shit and the Father who looks like a zombie after chasing their pain in the ass, Mickey Mouse Ear wearing kids all over the airport. A kid wearing Mickey Mouse Ears is a bigger threat on an airplane then a terrorist. I can see the TV commercial now, Brainless Airlines – we guarantee you’ll never be on time.

Let’s face the facts people, traveling will never get better, it will only get worse. The human being is a glorified mouse running through the maze of life controlled every step of the way. You’ll be told when to be happy, told when to be sad, told when to be patriotic and told when to be scared. History dictates an awful trend of Government control that will continue till the end of time. Can you think of anything more offensive and condescending then the government’s color chart of threat and fear? Is this an easy way for ignorant America to understand the levels of threat, or just another calculated plan to guarantee fear in children and the illiterate? No child left behind, right? The Orange threat will continue until all airports install the full body scanners and then miraculously, the threat level will drop and we’ll all be safe again. This will allow the greedy Government assholes to begin endless back patting and credit stealing for making us safer when the whole time – we were never in danger at all. Yay America!

In my own immortal words: Ask not what you can do for your country, but what you can do for yourself.

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Oh Great, It’s October Again

Oh great, It’s October again…

As October approaches, my agitation begins knowing the inevitable is near. No, not Halloween, although to me Halloween is the most ridiculous ”whatever it is” in the history of stupid celebrations. Just an obvious excuse for adults to dress up and get drunk and Bob doesn’t have to explain why he finally feels liberated dressed as a woman. Although fun for the kids, I just don’t feel safe allowing my son to knock on the door of a guy featured on the home page of Meaganslaw.com. Yes, he might have a great moustache and the best candy on the block, but I don’t need my child added to his crawl space.

Side Note: There’s nothing wrong with dressing like a woman. I’ve buried those memories in the “Fun with Cocaine File”, but that’s a whole other blog.

The most annoying part of October is that every “HACK” DJ in the United States is going to call it “Rocktober”. Oh yes, these unoriginal, narcissistic assholes start salivating with the thought of using this stupid play on words weeks and even months before October. What’s the worst part about “Rocktober” other than being the first “Moniker” created by fusing two names or words that clearly don’t go together? I’m glad you asked. “Rocktober” is the direct cause of an awful trend haunting SMART people in our present day. Names like Bennifer, Bradjelina and Spidy are just a few examples of how the entertainment business has drastically declined and clueless and I MEAN CLUELESS “ executives” that have no right making decisions pat themselves on the back for this burst of so called genius. Do you think that gossip show host’s actually like saying those names? They can’t be that stupid and pathetic. Then again, there is Billy Bush and that tool Mario Lopez.

Side Note: Only one person is a bigger tool then Mario Lopez, Dr Rey from Dr 90210. Hey Mario, nice abs! Can you show them one more time? The first 999, 999 wasn’t enough. You and that pathetic excuse for a human “The Situation” should start dating and the media will dub you guys with a cute pet name like “12 pack” or better yet “Marsitch” or “Sitario”. I get teary eyed just thinking about it.

With every problem in the world, there needs to be a solution. I’m sure your next question is, Phil, do you have a solution? My answer to you; Can a Catholic Priest deep throat? So, without further ado, I give you fine people my brilliant idea. All DJ’s and gossip hosts have to be wired and connected to a transformer. With every stupid name thingy that comes out of their mouths i.e. “Rocktober” volts of electricity will shock them to the edge of pissing themselves. This added entertainment value will not only justify listening to their brainless thoughts, but might make them stop and say something …I don’t know… Original? You’re right, probably not, but in the immortal words of my German friend Hans, “Fair Unt Square”.

So here is the burning question. On what day did this “Really Smart” person come up with “Rocktober” and on that day, could their tongue have been cut out and a sword forced into their vocal chords before this moronic thought was heard only to go on and desecrate a once great month?
Come on people!! Our society is so content with mediocre and ignorance, that we allow these people to pollute the world with words like “Rocktober.”

It’s time to protect your brain and form a lucid thought on your own for once. And if you can’t do that, there’s always the tea party movement.

A CAPTIVE AUDIENCE

 Movie night is a staple in any relationship. Typically used in the early stages of dating, it can eventually evolve into something most couples use as common ground. Let’s face it, in this day and age; couples need something in common, even if it’s only movies.  Over the course of time, going to the movies has become an activity that subliminally favors the man. The man get’s to do something he wants to do, the whole time disguising it as a date. What has the appearance as caring about her feelings is an evil ulterior motive to see a movie and not hear her talk. Just brilliant! What death and taxes is to life, movies and sex is to the relationship. 

In this blog, I’m going to focus on Movie Night. When I say movie night, I’m referring to two different examples; the Movie Theater and Netflix. Any person who has read my blogs in the past, knows I can find a fault in anything, so with that said let’s start in a subtle way. 

BLOG ARTICLE 1: Under federal and state law, kidnapping is commonly defined as the taking of a person from one place to another against his or her will, or the confining of a person to a controlled space. In the field of law, the word force has two main meanings: unlawful violence and lawful compulsion. “Forced entry” is an expression falling under the category of unlawful violence; “in force” or “forced sale” would be examples of expressions in the category of lawful compulsion. 

I’ll answer the burning question on the reader’s mind, “WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT PHIL? “  I’m talking about the Movie Preview. That’s right, the most aggravating part of a movie next to the other movie goers and the 70 dollar bucket of popcorn. At what point did executives think they could violate the rights of all movie goers by forcing us to watch nonstop previews just because we’re there? 

(Insert Blog Article 1) 

If you really think about it, the movie theater is one of the largest rights violating scams of all time. Constitutional laws are broken as soon as you open the door. Price gouging, kidnapping and forced sales are just the beginning. I’m sorry, I thought having a monopoly on one industry was illegal, but what do I know? The worst part is the creepy employees smiling and being nice as you’re lead like a mouse in a maze through long lines, overpriced food and forced previews. 

Do you think I’m crazy? If so, answer this question for me. Is there any other time in your life that you would spend 20 dollars for popcorn and a soda? That‘s what I thought. However, if you answered yes I would like you to stop reading my blog, hit yourself with a hammer and quickly get sterilized so you’re unable to contribute to the existing moron population.   

The sad truth is these same “Hitler esk” Movie Executives figured out a way to get us at home. Netflix is the newest violator using delivery as the classic smoke screen.  America loves delivery. Most American’s wouldn’t leave the house if they had a choice, so right from the beginning; Netflix is the wolf in sheep’s clothing. We love Netflix, we trust Netflix. How could we not trust a company that cares so much about us?  After all, they deliver and make it so easy for their loyal customers. 

SIDE NOTE: Domino’s is the worst Pizza in the history of Pizza, but we buy it because they deliver.  America is so fucking lazy; cardboard with sauce is an acceptable food as long as we don’t have to leave the house. 

How excited do you get seeing the red Netflix envelope in the mailbox? For me, its extra special since this is the only way I can justify watching all the horrible movies Hollywood has the balls to release. But just when you think it’s safe, the violating begins. How you ask? Hollywood has figured out a way to prohibit skipping over the previews. HOW DARE THEY? IN MY OWN FUCKING HOME! A place once synonymous with safety and peace, Netflix has found a way to violate our trust in the most blatant under minding way.  

(INSERT BLOG ARTICLE 1). 

These days, if I can’t skip though the previews, the DVD gets thrown out. I have no interest in sitting though ten minutes of previews just to watch an awful movie. The other night I made this brutal mistake and attempted to watch “Cop Out “with Bruce Willis and the most un-funny human on the planet Tracy Morgan. As a fan of director Kevin Smith, I was offended that he would even entertain this piece of shit. The reason we get our Assholes Raped at the movie theater is that brainless, unoriginal studio executive’s green light garbage like Cop Out. Consumers do pay for these tremendous failures, but even worse then that, great movie projects are turned down everyday under the dark cloud of these executive decisions. 

In closing: Citizens, take your rights back!!! Remember, you will always have the power by default. The power is in numbers, but these corporate machines pray on your ignorance. If all Americans just said no to movies for a few months, we could bankrupt the industry. Maybe then, they will listen and realize we know what they’re doing to us.