74 DAYS

LEGEND…LEG-END(lej’end) n.  A notable person or the stories told about his exploits.

          LEGENDARY… LEG-END-ARY(lej’en  der’e) adj.  Famous or Remarkable 

On June 28^th 2010, the world lost Bill Aucoin.  As a Kiss fan, you knew him as the manager, mastermind and 5^th member.  As a band manager, you were in awe of his ability, talent and success. As a person who just met him, you were left with a lasting impression.  As a friend, you were honored to know and love him.  Although I knew Bill for a very short 74 days, the impact he made on my life is something I will never forget.  With that said, I would like to share my story. 

After many years in the music business, I decided in 2006 to start a new career. Unfortunately, the new career was acting and standup comedy. I know I’m a glutton for punishment, but I can’t imagine doing anything other than entertaining people in some capacity. How hard was it to start a new career? Well let’s just say, I’m glad I didn’t know then, what I know now. So Cliché, yet so appropriate. 

As I approached 2010, I found myself saying the same thing I’ve said every year, “This is my year.”  I also would say, “If someone finally says yes, they will be very happy they did”. Up until the day I met Bill, everyone said no. Oh wait, they actually said “We love Phil, we just don’t know what to do with him”. 

SIDE NOTE: “We love Phil, we just don’t know what to do with him” actually means NO!! It’s what fake, gutless, unoriginal, Hollywood assholes say when they’re trying to be nice. Frankly is offensive. 

On April 16^th 2010, everything changed in one 10 minute call from Bill. I listened to his every word, occasionally pinching myself to make sure I wasn’t in a dream. He had just listened to me on the radio promoting my comedy show and had the most amazing, uplifting, positive things to say. I hung up the phone and felt like screaming. I had new found confidence and drive, something I’d been lacking from many years of disappointment. 

My next encounter with Bill was in NY. I finally met him in person and we talked for an hour about me.  I must have looked like a star struck fan as this GIANT started mapping out my career plan. He told me things that had never crossed my mind. I was in school for an hour and the master was teaching the student.  At one point, I think I heard the Rocky theme in my subconscious as Bill continued to talk about the future. Like that, the meeting was over and after a warm embrace, Bill left. My head was spinning as thoughts of success finally flooded my brain after 4 long years. My excitement was quickly brought to sadness as I learned of Bill’s battle with cancer. In my mind he was superman and if anyone could beat it, Bill could. 

On June 28^th 2010, I received the call I did not want to hear. At the very young age of 66, Bill lost his battle with cancer. I was honored to be invited to his memorial and hear wonderful stories from his friends and family. It was apparent that Bill was, and always will be respected, adored, loved and truly missed by so many people. I only wish I had more time to get to know this great man. 

Bill, I will cherish the 74 days you were in my life. I was going to say, I wish you could be here to see my success, but I have a feeling you can see it clearly.

FADE IN: 

INT – ANY NEWS ROOM- ANY MORNING

A tragic event has taken place. Every news channel scrambles to begin coverage on the story. The Anchors are on edge as they’re flooded with information at an alarming rate. Some information is accurate, but most of it is speculation. The segment producer alerts the Anchor’s as they go live to the scene and begin an interview with…Let’s call them, Expert A.

                                                            ANCHOR

                                    Joining us from the scene is Expert A. Expert A,

                                    can you tell us what you see? 

                                                                                                                                    CUT TO:

EXT – TRAGIC SCENE – MOMENTS LATER

Expert A stands on the site of the event and begins the interview. 

                                                            EXPERT A

                                    First I would like to say, “My Thoughts and Prayers

                                    Go out to_________”. 

 At what point did the human race become so detached they feel a need to use such an uncaring, cold, offensive, matter of fact phrase like “My thoughts and prayers go out to________”.  Anyone that uses this statement probably just finished reading the book “How to sound sympathetic on television, when you’re unoriginal and don’t give a fuck”. Fill in the blank with anything you want since its all politically correct bullshit. Try all the clichés like “The Family” or “Katrina Victims” or “The Miners” or my favorite “Triscuits”. Why not? You probably know more about Triscuits, then the people getting all these meaningless thoughts and prayers. 

SIDENOTE 1:   If you want to see the Master of fake sympathy, just watch Ann Curry interview any victims of a tragedy. It’ll make your skin crawl.  iphone created the Ann Curry app for fake, glib assholes. Just push it and forget about it. 

SIDE NOTE 2: Triscuits are delicious. 

My thoughts and prayers is so flawed, people don’t even realize how unsympathetic they truly sound. I’m sure the first person that said this, had no idea that it would turn into the most over used, unfeeling phrase since Happy Birthday. At least with Happy Birthday, we kind of mean it.   Now, let’s take a minute and break it down:  

MY THOUGHTS- Any moron that uses this statement on television because they feel a need to say something nice, has not a thought in their empty skull. Do us all a favor and say nothing. I promise you’ll be respected for silence over stupidity. 

MY PRAYERS- This one makes me giggle a bit. Did you say prayers? What about the people who don’t pray? You know, one’s like me that believe in science and common sense, not fiction.

When my Mother passed away, the last thing I wanted to hear out of someone’s mouth is that I’m in their prayers. To me that’s offensive. I say, pray for originality and stay the fuck out of everyone’s business.  Oh I get it; you’re trying to stock up on HEAVEN tokens. Well, many of us are not interested in being part of a HALO project. 

The human being can be a greedy, uncaring, flawed creature with a very, very, short attention span. Hey Phil, how can you make a statement like that? You better have some examples!!! Well Phil, funny you should say that, because I do have examples. Let’s use:  911, Haiti and COMING SOON, the oversaturated (no pun intended) Gulf Oil Spill. 

911 - I’m curious why no one sings “Proud to be an American” anymore. They sang the shit out of that song right after 911 and now nothing. OMG , being patriotic is so 2001, whatevs. 

HAITI – aka (America’s Money Shot) America was all up in Haiti’s grill after the earthquake. I think every asshole on the planet was saying “My thoughts and prayers go out to Haiti”. I haven’t seen a single news story since that bullshit telethon George Clooney put together.

Definition of TELETHON:  An outlet for Americans to donate a dollar, feel like they give a shit for a second and tell all their friends how much they helped. 

SIDE NOTE 3: Hey Celebrities… America has a shit load of homeless that can sure use some Telethon money.  Oh wait, the photo op isn’t big enough. Oops, my bad.   

GULF OIL SPILL - Now America is dealing with the Gulf Oil Spill. We’ll band wagon together and act like we give a shit by boycotting BP for a very short time.  Once we get bored, we’ll go right back to the way things used to be. You have to agree, it would be so inconvenient to drive to another gas station that’s further from our homes.  The Band Wagon American won’t waste another second of their time if they don’t have too. 

SIDE NOTE 4:  Just a reminder, 11 people died. You wouldn’t know this since the news pretty much forgot about them. 

IN CLOSING: America is like that asshole record company executive that does nothing but show up for the photo op and takes credit for everything they never did.

Shame on all of you mindless, unoriginal  bandwagoners(that’s right, I made up a word). I can only hope you become smart one day and form a lucid thought on your own. Until Then: 

“My thoughts and prayers go out to you”.                                                                        

 I’m just sayin.

As I sit and write today, I find myself aggravated by the over use of the moniker “Rock Star”. Years ago, the title of Rock Star came with honor and mystique. Today most unoriginal, brainless humans use it as a way to describe anyone or anything that remotely resembles ability or talent. With that said, let’s start from the beginning with the definition. “Rock Star”: A famous performer and composer of rock music. In other words, unless you’re in a band, wrote songs, performed them on a recording to fulfill a recording contract , was on MTV , sold records worldwide to large amounts of people , performed concerts and signed your autograph on said recordings, YOU’RE NOT A FUCKING ROCK STAR!! That especially includes actors and their bullshit bands. Does my appearance on Californication make me an actor? NO, it makes me a Rock Star trying to act. (Side Note: I was brilliant)

Now that the definition is clear, any use of Rock Star shall be banned unless pertaining to the true meaning. Let me guess, you’re still not getting it? Well, let me be perfectly clear. If you’re watching football and the quarterback throws an amazing pass, he’s not a Rock Star of football; he’s an over paid quarterback doing his fucking job. When fans come to one of my concerts, they don’t yell out, “My god, Phil is a quarterback of drumming”. Some people would argue that using the term Rock Star to describe success outside of the music business is a compliment to real Rock Stars. I say Fuck You!

During its early incarnation that put it on the inevitable path to over use, Rock Star was used to describe very famous and successful people. These days, it seems anyone can be a Rock Star. Hey look how good that guy cleans the pool; he’s a “Rock Star” of the chlorinated H2O. Wow, look at the gardener go, he’s the “Rock Star” of weed management. Holy shit that guy can pump gas; he’s a “Rock Star” of Petroleum Distribution.

NOTABLES:
Emeril Lagasse – Not a Rock Star of Cooking…He’s a Chef
Steven Tyler- Rock Star
Dane Cook – Not a Rock Star of Comedy… He’s a Comedian
Tommy Lee- Rock Star
Tiger Woods- Not a Rock Star of Golf… He’s a Professional Golfer
-Special consideration: Tiger Woods is a Rock Star of cheating-

I can only hope that this horrible epidemic slowly starts to dissipate and the untarnished world of being a Rock Star is restored to its true glory. Being able to be famous, fucked up and envied is an honor and a privilege that needs to be protected and respected by the elite few that can truly be called “Rock Star”.

“I’m JUST sayin”…