iSYMPATHY

FADE IN: 

INT – ANY NEWS ROOM- ANY MORNING

A tragic event has taken place. Every news channel scrambles to begin coverage on the story. The Anchors are on edge as they’re flooded with information at an alarming rate. Some information is accurate, but most of it is speculation. The segment producer alerts the Anchor’s as they go live to the scene and begin an interview with…Let’s call them, Expert A.

                                                            ANCHOR

                                    Joining us from the scene is Expert A. Expert A,

                                    can you tell us what you see? 

                                                                                                                                    CUT TO:

EXT – TRAGIC SCENE – MOMENTS LATER

Expert A stands on the site of the event and begins the interview. 

                                                            EXPERT A

                                    First I would like to say, “My Thoughts and Prayers

                                    Go out to_________”. 

 At what point did the human race become so detached they feel a need to use such an uncaring, cold, offensive, matter of fact phrase like “My thoughts and prayers go out to________”.  Anyone that uses this statement probably just finished reading the book “How to sound sympathetic on television, when you’re unoriginal and don’t give a fuck”. Fill in the blank with anything you want since its all politically correct bullshit. Try all the clichés like “The Family” or “Katrina Victims” or “The Miners” or my favorite “Triscuits”. Why not? You probably know more about Triscuits, then the people getting all these meaningless thoughts and prayers. 

SIDENOTE 1:   If you want to see the Master of fake sympathy, just watch Ann Curry interview any victims of a tragedy. It’ll make your skin crawl.  iphone created the Ann Curry app for fake, glib assholes. Just push it and forget about it. 

SIDE NOTE 2: Triscuits are delicious. 

My thoughts and prayers is so flawed, people don’t even realize how unsympathetic they truly sound. I’m sure the first person that said this, had no idea that it would turn into the most over used, unfeeling phrase since Happy Birthday. At least with Happy Birthday, we kind of mean it.   Now, let’s take a minute and break it down:  

MY THOUGHTS- Any moron that uses this statement on television because they feel a need to say something nice, has not a thought in their empty skull. Do us all a favor and say nothing. I promise you’ll be respected for silence over stupidity. 

MY PRAYERS- This one makes me giggle a bit. Did you say prayers? What about the people who don’t pray? You know, one’s like me that believe in science and common sense, not fiction.

When my Mother passed away, the last thing I wanted to hear out of someone’s mouth is that I’m in their prayers. To me that’s offensive. I say, pray for originality and stay the fuck out of everyone’s business.  Oh I get it; you’re trying to stock up on HEAVEN tokens. Well, many of us are not interested in being part of a HALO project. 

The human being can be a greedy, uncaring, flawed creature with a very, very, short attention span. Hey Phil, how can you make a statement like that? You better have some examples!!! Well Phil, funny you should say that, because I do have examples. Let’s use:  911, Haiti and COMING SOON, the oversaturated (no pun intended) Gulf Oil Spill. 

911 - I’m curious why no one sings “Proud to be an American” anymore. They sang the shit out of that song right after 911 and now nothing. OMG , being patriotic is so 2001, whatevs. 

HAITI – aka (America’s Money Shot) America was all up in Haiti’s grill after the earthquake. I think every asshole on the planet was saying “My thoughts and prayers go out to Haiti”. I haven’t seen a single news story since that bullshit telethon George Clooney put together.

Definition of TELETHON:  An outlet for Americans to donate a dollar, feel like they give a shit for a second and tell all their friends how much they helped. 

SIDE NOTE 3: Hey Celebrities… America has a shit load of homeless that can sure use some Telethon money.  Oh wait, the photo op isn’t big enough. Oops, my bad.   

GULF OIL SPILL - Now America is dealing with the Gulf Oil Spill. We’ll band wagon together and act like we give a shit by boycotting BP for a very short time.  Once we get bored, we’ll go right back to the way things used to be. You have to agree, it would be so inconvenient to drive to another gas station that’s further from our homes.  The Band Wagon American won’t waste another second of their time if they don’t have too. 

SIDE NOTE 4:  Just a reminder, 11 people died. You wouldn’t know this since the news pretty much forgot about them. 

IN CLOSING: America is like that asshole record company executive that does nothing but show up for the photo op and takes credit for everything they never did.

Shame on all of you mindless, unoriginal  bandwagoners(that’s right, I made up a word). I can only hope you become smart one day and form a lucid thought on your own. Until Then: 

“My thoughts and prayers go out to you”.                                                                        

 I’m just sayin.