“THE HULK CHRONICLES” THE PENIS INTERVIEW (PART 1)

As I go through life as a journalist, I’m always grateful by good fortune and the ability to ask hard hitting questions. When my editor called me into his office and told me to sit down, I knew I would be getting the interview of a lifetime. I’ve paid my dues for years and finally, an interview that will put me on the map. Dare I say “Pulitzer?” Ok, I won’t get ahead of myself….

I sat in the chair across from my editor’s desk. My leg had a nervous twitch as I leaned forward in an extra effort to hear this important news. After what seemed to be a lifetime, he uttered the following words, “Phil’s penis is out of rehab and has agreed to an interview.” The silence was deafening as all I can think about was my friend who got the opportunity to interview Phil’s hair. His life has never been the same since. Will I have the same good fortune? It was too late to even ponder my fate since I was already picked and on the case. I stood up out of the chair and in a nervous rant, said “Thank you sir! I will not let you down.” As I turned toward the door to leave, I can only hope my editor didn’t see the horror on my face.

The walk to my desk feels like a mile as I finally sit down and begin to prepare for the interview. With the help of google and the enter key, I was inundated with info that seemed endless. How does one’s penis get so much press? Should I ask this question? I’m so confused… Wait…. I’m the journalist and I will as anything I want. I will not be intimidated by a penis, even if it’s Phil’s and named The Hulk.

After a few days of preparation, the time has come to meet up with Phil’s penis. My stomach is filled with feelings of nervousness and excitement only reserved for special occasions. This is the first time I’ve ever felt this was about a penis. Wait! That sounded wrong. You know what I’m talking about. I was told to meet Phil’s Penis at the “Pleasure Chest” adult store where his assistant Han’s will direct me to the interview. My first thought was and adult store? Strange place for a penis fresh out of rehab. Walking into the Pleasure Chest door, I was greeted by a man that eerily resembled Dr. Drew Pinsky. He held out his hand and introduced himself as Hans. A gracious man, he asked me to follow him to the back of the store. At this point, we stopped at the entrance to a long dark hallway and Hans reached out once again, shook my hand and said “this is as far as I go.” I shook nervously as I was instructed to walk down the hall and knock on door number 6. I started a slow cautious walk and turned to say goodbye to Hans, but he had vanished into thin air.

A bead of sweat dripped off of my forehead as I could hear the sounds of bad porn soundtracks and moaning, mixed with the awful smell of cleaning products. What kind of person comes to these places only to feed quarters into a machine and masturbate all over the floors? Talk about Mop and Glow. I continue walking the hall with an occasional slip on the floor. Too nervous to look at what I’ve been stepping in, I finally come to door marked number 6. Feeling nauseous, I knocked once and open the door. I was horrified as a man that resembled Tiger Woods yelled at the top of his lung “GET THE FUCK OUT CADDY.” I quickly closed the door and realized the number had gotten loose changing a 9 to a 6. I then heard a moan from behind the door as the man yelled, here it comes, 4!!!!!

I tried to move fast, only to lose footing once again on the treacherous hallway floor. Three doors away, I come to number 6. My heart is racing with the anticipation of what’s on the other side of this door… So much research, so many stories, so many pages on Google and it all comes to this moment. It takes all the strength I have to reach up and knock on the door. With the most timid knock of my life, I hear “Just a minute” from a female’s voice, followed by a bunch of unorganized noise. Phil’s penis has a girl in there? I thought he just got out of sex rehab? The door is unlocked and begins to open bringing my attention to the squeaky hinges. A shadow begins to come into focus. The light hit’s their face and I can’t believe my eyes…. Holy shit !!! Its……

TO BE CONTINUED:

“THE BIG GET” EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH PHIL’S HAIR

When it comes to journalism, there are certain interviews that can be classified as the “Big Get”. Interviewing Presidents, celebrities or breaking a story can be a life changing event in a journalist career. With that said, I have the “Big Get”. An exclusive interview with Phil Varone’s hair. Oh yes, I said it, Phil’s hair!

After numerous attempts for this exclusive access, Phil’s hair has granted me this up close, personal, provocative and quite mysterious interview to clear the air and feed the hunger of the waiting public. Ladies and Gentleman I give you, Phil’s Hair.

I was quite nervous after hearing the news of the interview. Phil’s hair’s assistant called and set up the location that I would meet this legendary do. Ironically, it was at a salon. Was this a cruel joke or a scare tactic? Either way, I was about to find out. I was given the address of a private location and sworn to secrecy. The phone call from Phil’s hair’s assistant was very specific on the consequences of giving out such info. I won’t go into details, but it involved, an industrial size can of Aqua Net, 400 bees, a flame thrower and a large tube of KY. To say I got the message was an understatement.

I entered the salon with caution in tow. All activity stopped as the attention was then focused on me. I could hear a pin drop as I stepped further into the door way and introduced myself to reception. An eerie murmur started among the customers and stylists. The murmur turned to finger pointing as I was lead by a visibly shaken receptionist to the rear of the salon. We walked for what seemed to be an hour and the receptionist turned to me and said “this is as far as I go”. She then raised her shaking arm and pointed to the far end of the salon. I took a deep breath, swallowed real hard and walked toward the black velvet curtains. The only thing that went through my mind was “Dead Man Walking”. Wait a minute, it’s just hair. What am I so worried about? I then remembered the last journalist that interviewed Phil’s hair. He disappeared and the only thing found, was a broken pencil with a smudged finger print on it. With no other leads the case went cold.

As I approached the curtains, Phil’s hair’s assistant walked out to meet me. A beautiful, tall blonde woman with sympathy in her eyes, I extended my hand out to say hello. She ignored my attempt to be gracious and asked if I was ready. I said yes and I was then advised to wipe the sweat off of my forehead before entering. She informed me that Phil’s hair smells fear.

I walked through the curtain and I was in awe. The room was dark with a pin spot directly on Phil’s hair. Phil’s face and body was blacked out with only his hair visible. I proceed with shaking knees as I hear” welcome!” I think to myself, this won’t be too bad and I sit down and start preparing for the interview. I try not to make eye contact and I hear Phil’s hair’s assistant say, “you have five minutes”. I take a big swallow and like a child in trouble, say “ok”. The assistant leaves and I can hear her mumble” poor bastard” under her breath.

What follows is the exact interview as it happens. I have to warn you, this may be shocking. For the record Q means question and PH means Phil’s Hair.

Q: So, I want to thank you for the interview.

PH: you’re welcome

Q: The public thinks you look great and wants to know, what product do you use?

PH: Jonathan Product Dirt. It’s the best and I love how sensitive Jonathan Anton is. He cried a lot during his show and I said. “Since I can’t be his hair, I want to use his hair product.”

Q: Did you try to be his hair?

PH: I did. I went to an audition and then got a call back. I guess I was too good, because he picked that sorry mop he calls hair . Can you F@!&.k’in believe that S!@t!! C@!%K S@!&%ers

Q: Um.. Before Jonathan product, I heard you used Bed Head. Why did you switch?

PH: Who the F!@K do you think you are? Coming in here asking me those bullsh@T questions!!

Phil’s hair calls his assistant in and starts yelling.

PH: He just asked me about F!@Kin bed head!!

ASSISTANT: What the F!@k is wrong with you? You stupid F!@%in idiot. I told you no bed head questions!!! I told you!!!

Q: UM… Sorry

PH: I’ll give you sorry. I make one call, the next thing you’ll see when you open your eyes, is the inside of an ambulance. Got it!!! I said Got It!!! And those Pantene people! They better watch their asses.

Q: I don’t know the Pantene…

PH: NEXT QUESTION!!!!!!!!!

Q:Ok… Um… Tell me about the time you went with the Mohawk.

PH: I was tired of Phil getting girls all the time. With the Mohawk, his percentage went down 50%. I laughed every day while that he complained. What a friggin cry baby..

Phil’s hair then takes a drag from a cigar and barks out at me.

PH: Is that it? I got sh@T to do!! Let’s wrap it up.

Q: But I just got started.

PH: WHAT DID YOU SAY???????

Q: Nothing.

Q: Ok, last question. The readers would love to know what you feel like. Can I touch you and report what it feels like.

PH: What did you say?

Q: Nothing, I…

PH: Did you say, touch me?

Q: No , I didn’t mean…

PH: Frankie!!!! Johnny!!!!! Kelly!!!!!!This f@!Kin guy wants to touch me!! Yeah, him!!
Q: No… I

I woke up a few hours later in the back of an Ambulance. I paramedic said that I will need surgery to have the can of aqua net removed and it will be a few days for all the bee stings to heal. As far as the burnt hair, I hope that grows back. I print this interview as I fear for my life. I hope Phil is safe with such a maniac on his head.

The reason why Phil’s face is blocked out in all the pictures is there’s an ongoing lawsuit between him and his hair. Phil would not give permission for any photo’s with him and his hair together.
A sad ending to a great friendship. I wish them the best of luck. I hope they realize they need each other.